I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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