You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
