Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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