Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
