My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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