ADVERTISEMENT

• (516): View more from New York

  Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  True life - we need to smoke together more often

  Fav 8 4280 914

  share tweet
  

• (540): View more from Virginia

  I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

  Fav 45 11434 3012

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (707): View more from California

  he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

  (1-707): View more from California

  logic in its finest

  Fav 41 5050 2968

  share tweet
  

• (916): View more from California

  And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

  Fav 29 1767 3554

  share tweet
  

• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

  Fav 15 9501 1377

  share tweet
  

• (803): View more from South Carolina

  there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

  Fav 28 1431 20670

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (941): View more from Florida

  She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

  Fav 24 1504 8357

  share tweet
  

• (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

  Fav 17 6046 1658

  share tweet
  

• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.

  Fav 2 1360 1012

  share tweet
  

• (712): View more from Iowa

  You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

  Fav 11 978 1961

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

  Fav 2 1600 742

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (712): View more from Iowa

  I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now

  Fav 7 790 1024

  share tweet
  

• (205): View more from Alabama

  Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy

  Fav 4 635 512

  share tweet
  

• (407): View more from Florida

  my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.

  Fav 0 60 16

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (702): View more from Nevada

  Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes

  Fav 0 102 9

  share tweet
  

Randomize