He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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