I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
