You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
