you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
