I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize