Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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