i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
