just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have post one night stand depression
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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