o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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