I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
