I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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