I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
