you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
