Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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