so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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