This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
