i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
