i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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