You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
