I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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