my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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