So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
