how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
