she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
