The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
