Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
