You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
