You made me cry and you don't even care
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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