she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have fence marks all over my body
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
