Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
