STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
