After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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