Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
