Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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