I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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