My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
