if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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