anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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