what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
So. Much. Porn.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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