He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
