Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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