lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
