sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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