I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
