I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
