When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
