Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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