at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize