I need help removing her.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
