My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
