Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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