I queefed so loud it echoed.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
