I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
