walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
