I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
