I will die if light touches me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
