Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
